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These Black Pepper Cookies Are Not to be Sneezed At

29 Oct

Hello boys and ghouls! Today I will be teaching you how to make black pepper cookies. They are perfect for Halloween because they sound terrifying.


  • ¾ cup butter
  • ¾ teaspoon black pepper
  • ¾ teaspoon cinnamon
  • ¼ teaspoon ground cloves
  • 1 ½ teaspoons vanilla essence
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1 egg
  • 1 ½ cups self-raising flour
  • ¼ teaspoon salt-dough
  • 3/4 cup cocoa


1. Preheat your oven to 200 degrees and grease a baking sheet.

2. Mix the butter, pepper, cinnamon, cloves and vanilla essence together until soft.

3. Mix in the sugar until light and fluffy, then add the egg (beaten) and mix well.

4. Add the dry ingredients and blend thoroughly until a firm dough is formed.

5. Flour a rolling pin (if you don’t have one a bottle of wine will do) and roll out the dough.

6. Use a floured cookie cutter or glass to CUT SOME SHAPES ON THE D-FLOOR! Except not on the dance floor, probably on your kitchen surfaces and don’t dance actually because you’ll mess up the shapes.

7. Put them on the baking sheet and bake for around 12 minutes.

These spicy cookies are hella rad so if you don’t like them you probably did something wrong.

Literary Recipes: Lembas Bread from ‘Lord of the Rings’

2 Sep


Lembas, or “journey-bread”, is a special bread made by the elves, also called “waybread” in the common speech. Lembas is a closely guarded secret, and only on rare occasions is it given to non-elves. Galadriel gives a large store of lembas to the fellowship of the ring upon its departure from Lothlórien. Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee subsist on it through the majority of their journey from there into Mordor. Like other products of the elves, it is offensive to evil creatures; Gollum outright refuses to eat it, even when starved.

Melian, the queen of Doriath, originally held this recipe. Later it was passed to Galadriel and other elves. The recipe I use is adapted from Everything is Poetry.


  • 1/4 cup of sour cream
  • 1/4 cup of fresh lemon juice
  • 1/2 cup of honey
  • 2 cups of wholemeal flour
  • 2 lemons
  • 1 teaspoon of baking powder
  • 110g of cold butter
  • optional: mallorn leaves or substitute


1. Pre-heat your oven to 180 degrees (gas mark 6).


2.  Zest your lemons as best you can. I thought this was the hardest step (i.e. my knuckles thought this was the hardest step).


3.  Mix together the flour, lemon zest, and baking powder.

4.  Add the butter in chunks and rub it all together.

5.  In a separate bowl, mix together the sour cream, lemon juice, and honey.


6.  Dump the wet mixture into the floury one, and mix it up into a doughy ball. It should be nice and squishable but not too sticky ’cause you’re gonna need to roll it out.

7.  Put it in the fridge for at least an hour (or skip this step if you’re impatient, like me).


8.  Roll the mixture out about 1cm thick and cut it into squares however big/small you want. Hint: smaller ones are easier to wrap in leaves if you’re going to present them all elf-like!

9.  Bake for 15-17 minutes, until they’re nice and golden brown. Check them regularly though after like 10 minutes, because they go from nice to burnt pretty quick.

10.  Optional: consume while playing The Lord of the Rings drinking game.

According to Tolkien himself, “The cakes will keep sweet for many many days, if they are unbroken and left in their leaf wrappings”. I ate mine with salad:


Hey You. Eat This Red Velvet Twat Cake

24 Aug

Everyone is always saying to me, “Baking is so hard. You have to be so precise. Your hair is amazing.” But I disagree. Putting the confused politics of cupcake-feminism aside, baking is a fucking piece of cake.

Cake is like sex. Even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. You shouldn’t be afraid to mess up, you’re just basically mixing some eggs and flour together until they resemble something remotely delicious.

This recipe for red velvet cake is testament to the idea that you can tamper with the rules however you like. The original called for buttermilk and baking soda and a bunch of other crap I didn’t want to walk to the store to buy, so I tweaked it and it still came out like a beautiful red cheeseburger. Just look at it.


  • 3 eggs
  • 3/4 cup butter
  • 3 cups self-raising flour
  • 1 tablespoon cocoa powder
  • 3/4 teaspoon salt
  • 2 cups sugar
  • 1 tsp. vanilla
  • 2 tbsp red food dye
  • 1 cup milk
  • 1/2 tsp. vinegar


  1. Preheat your oven to 180 degrees. Grease two cake tins.
  2. Combine the flour, cocoa powder and salt in one bowl. In another bowl, mix the butter (you might need to leave it out to soften first), sugar and vanilla until they are combined. Add the eggs one at a time, then mix in the food colouring.
  3. Add part flour, part milk bit by bit and mix until it’s all used up. Add the vinegar (I don’t know what this is for either).
  4. Put the mixture into your two cake tins. Bake for twenty-five minutes. Cool.
  5. Ice however you like. Mine looked like this:
Let them eat twat.

Hey You. Eat This Fairy Bread.

4 Aug

Nobody in the UK has heard of fairy bread. They’re all into dignified things like hobnobs. And scones.

But fairy bread is pretty much a staple at children’s parties in the Land of Oz. Let me show you how!

Look at this delicious thing.

Look at this delicious thing.


  • White bread (it muft be white)
  • Rainbow sprinkles
  • Butter/something you can’t believe isn’t butter


1.  Spread a thin layer of butter or butter-like substance on the bread. Some people like to remove the crusts too but then you won’t get curly hair.

2.  Sprinkle the things on the stuff.

3.  You’re freaking done!

Easy, amirite? I think these would be good for like a Gay Pride picnic, as they are sort of rainbow and also it is called ‘fairy bread.’

Hey You. Eat These Dumbass Cupcakes.

28 Jun

Cupcakes are over,” says Michael Hogan in today’s Guardian. Apparently “bunting” is the new thing. But I doubt your “bunting” is as simple to make and also eat, sir.

My photography skills are unparalleled.

90g butter
2 eggs
150g caster sugar
300g self-raising flour
125ml milk
Vanilla essence [optional]

 For the icing
Icing sugar
Tablespoon of milk

1.  Place everything in a bowl and mix well.
2.  Spoon the mixture into cupcake papers (or silicon cupcake cases, which are a lot more practical but give you naked cupcakes).
3.  Bake at 180 degrees for 20 minutes, remove to cool.
4.  For the buttercream icing, combine soft butter and icing sugar until smooth, and a little milk which will make your icing “extra fluffy and delicious” (thanks Becci for the idea).
5.  Ice the cakes.

In conclusion, kindly shove your bunting up your c—ting, Michael Hogan. I’ll stick to baking.